The Value of Personal Ads (Not Just for Horny Creeps?)

Warning: This post contains slightly offensive language. Proceed with a little caution and a lot of hesitation.

Every Sunday morning as the righteous are gathering to worship, I prepare for a weekly ritual of my own. Coffee in hand, I sit at the kitchen table and flip through the paper until I find the personal ads. I read each one slowly and deliberately, taking care not to miss any details. I am not seeking companionship. Nor am I looking for a “special someone” with whom to share long walks on the beach or attempt funky circus sex (positions that not even the most agile of circus performers would dare attempt). I read the ads for entertainment and more oft than not I find it (see images below). My obsession is much more than for entertainment purposes only. I am fascinated with the people behind the ads, the authors themselves. Reading the personals has become a (non-scientific) study of human behavior and a (non-scientific) study of writing, particularly the terminology and language people use and do not use when describing themselves to others sight unseen.

I search the words for signs of the “essence” of each person the ads represent – the person that exists beyond his or her chosen description, beyond the words used to entice and lure the selected target audience. For the writer, this cannot be an easy task. Each word must be carefully chosen, lest the wrong (or right?) impression be given. When using the newspaper as a medium to promote yourself, the writer has no ammunition but words.

I am always intrigued, usually entertained, rarely bored, but never have I been repulsed by what I read. People are people. Each ad represents a person, no matter how inaccurate or misrepresented. Who is the person hiding behind the strings of letters that form the acronyms and adjectives? How many of this morning’s ads were written and placed by the men, women, and transvestites that are sitting side by side, sharing church pews and hymnals, raising their voices to heaven, and breaking bread? Would they continue to do so if they knew or would they shudder, recoiling in horror? How many of this morning’s ads were written and paid for by politicians and government officials, who outwardly claim to not support “those people”? Yet, how many will literally be caught with their pants down, outwardly denying the reality of who they are and what they do? Will they be “outed” by a disgruntled former lover, an opponent during the next campaign, or will they be caught having taken a risk in a public place, perhaps an airport bathroom?

The possibilities are endless.

Finally, reading the personals is a challenge not unlike solving a puzzle. The puzzle lies in deciphering the acronyms. Once a simple task (SF iso SM), reading the personals has become nearly as arduous as physical labor and may even require a modicum of skill. The acronyms have become longer. Why? Some blame the liberal media and society’s moral degradation. Perhaps longer acronyms have become the norm as novel and more creative descriptions for age-old habits and tendencies are filling the spaces allotted for romance and seekers of what-have-you.

Can you imagine the following sans acronyms?

TGWMFDFSPBSREALH (Trans-Gendered White Married Formerly Divorced Formerly Straight Possibly Bi-Sexual Recovering Experimental Animal-Loving Hermaphrodite) iso MJAA (Michael Jackson Act-Alike) to read bedtime stories and surf the waves under the full moon while wearing pink pantyhose and singing “Beat It.” Serious inquiries only, please. *

For those in need of an Acronym Decoder, here is a link that will give you a good start.

The following ads are from Oddee: A Blog on the Oddities of Our World

Read lines 1, 3, 5

So close it’s almost tempting. Almost.

Mom says there’s someone for everyone. Liar.

To all of you brave enough to publish what it is you are looking for: May You Find That Which You Seek & May You Still Want It Should You Receive It.

Until Sunday -

SWF iso NM (next meal)

* Please, no inquiries period. Made up for instructional purposes only.