Introducing Leah, a Hypothetical Situation, and the Ultimate, Deliciously-Tacky, Virtual (Fake and Cheap!) Care Package.

I ♥ Leah.

First things first. Leah is, and has been, OOMFP since we met in graduate school in 2006. Leah is a kindred spirit, someone with whom I just cannot spend enough time. Leah is the go-to girl when one is in need of reassurance, excitement, peace, perspective, a verbal ass-kicking (or a physical ass-kicking: she’s an arsenal cleverly disguised as a tiny, tiny woman), wine (bring your own if you want some too), or to try something new (make sure you have health insurance). By simply being herself, Leah infuses the presence of those around her with confidence, inspiration, and an intense (usually indefinable) desire to transform. If you do not currently have a Leah in your life, you must go out and get one. Right Now. You will be so glad you did.

A Hypothetical Situation to illustrate just how cool, diverse, and spontaneous Leah is. Pretend for a moment the FBI local police were to contact me for information concerning the whereabouts of Leah. Pretend for a moment that whatever it is the FBI local police think she did, Leah is innocent. Following a round of uncontrollable laughter and a series of smart-ass-slap-me-in-the-face-worthy comments, I would reluctantly hand over my tattered copy (2008 version) of “Not On Location: A Simple Guide to Forgetting the Usual Questions and Usual Places When Determining Leah’s Location at Any Given Time and How to Navigate the Unknown, the Odd, and the Unusual in an Increasingly Large World when Confronted with the Spontaneous Activity Factor (SAF).”

The following represents one-half (my half) of a recent conversation between myself and an acquaintance trying to find our mutual friend:

“Did you check every bar, club, and saloon beginning in downtown Boise and working your way out of town in every direction (N, S, E, W, NW, SW, NE, SW, etc., etc.) until you hit each coast? Did you check the breweries? The wineries? Check the wineries again. Yeah. Of course I’m serious. Don’t forget all adjacent alleys, yoga studios, gyms, plasma centers, book stores, local craft stores, every coffee shop you see, the strip clubs, and the health food stores? Oh, and don’t forget to check her bed and the soup kitchen. Yes, she volunteers. Hmmm. I guess I don’t know. She mentioned Panama last week. Have you checked there?! Or on campus? Wait – the synagogue. Check the synagogue. I forget she’s Jewish. Yeah, like Cartman on South Park. Whichever kid is Jewish. Doesn’t matter. You have to think like Leah. Come on. You obviously don’t know her like I do.”

However, if the local police were to call right now, they might be in luck. I could tell them with certainty that my dear friend is somewhere near Hood River, Oregon. She is surrounded by snow, snow, and more snow. I could even provide them with evidence:

Leah was here.

The Sad Part. Leah is not where she wants to be (and where she always has been) for the holidays.

This is a BIG DEAL.

Enter the Ultimate, Deliciously-Tacky, Virtual (Fake and Cheap!) Care Package. Nothing says “you rock” like a care package. Especially a fake one. Warning: there is nothing classy about the particular fake (and tacky! and cheap!) care package featured below. The lack of class says far more about the sender than it does the intended recipient.

The Contents…

Bubble Wrap.

Not just for cushioning the breakables: click the pic for the best use of this creepy stuff.

Get Your Fix and Worship At the Same Time with this from Miss Poppy:

Prefer to Smoke While Jesus Aims?

Sexy T-Shirts:

Neil Diamond. Enough Said.

Myself? I prefer Screech.

A button to poke the bubble wrap!

Is there a difference between Hole-y underwear and Holy underwear?!

A care package just isn’t a care package without stale, broken cookies.

How unfortunate are you? Click to find out.

Who couldn’t use a few of these around the house?

Bacon:It cures what's bleeding. The pig might argue.

Something un-tacky. And pretty. Find it here.

Dandelion Pendant by lusterbunny.

And finally, more of the tacky stuff. Like this awesome switchplate:

Fast, Loose, and Lovely.

Freud:

Loved by mothers everywhere.

To all a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Fabulous Day, a working internet connection, and safe travel.

♥ Erin